17-Sep-2000 -- Confluence Special Agent's Report
Confluence Hunt (Successful)
Rural Oregon, like much of rural America, has its share of farms. So it's not very surprising
that many of the reports on Confluence Control Central’s (C3) website show many confluences are
protected by Mammalian Guards and organic land mines. 43N/124W is no exception.
Located in the rural community of Bridge, 43N/124W is in the back yard of a small farm set
along Myrtle Creek. Advance intelligence reports from C3 show that the farm is equipped with a
Mammalian Guard force comprised of several Curious Pigs, a Shy Horse, and one class-III Stealth
Offensive Vicious Attack Chicken (SOVAC-III). It was apparent this confluence hunt would
require more preparation and caution than usual.
Donning my best formal riding suit (complete with bow tie) and filling the thermos with
painfully dry martini (shaken, not stirred), I mounted my Q-cycle. With the saddlebags packed
with enough Q-branch gadgets to shame Robocop, I headed south, unsure of what danger today's
mission might bring.
Navigating to the area of the confluence was amazingly easy, thanks to Q-branch's mapping
PFM-III+. Loaded with the highly detailed maps, this jewel of electronic wonderment provides
second-to-second updates on the agent’s progress to the objective, and can even provide
position updates to C3 via radio datalink.
Arriving in the area of the confluence, my training took over. Scouting the area for
booby-traps and other hazards was second-nature to me and took but a few seconds. In no time
at all a plan formed and I was on the trail. Literally. The PFM-III+ was tracking rock-solid
and indicated the final objective was on a dirt road less than 300' away. The only obstacles
now were the high-voltage perimeter fence and the Mammalian Guard force.
Scaling the fence proved to be easier than usual thanks to my decision to pack a plastic
thermos rather than my usual (highly conductive) unobtanium model. After pouring the martini
into the collapsible martini glass so thoughtfully provided by Q-branch, I smashed the thermos
into pieces perfectly sized to insulate my impressive inseam from the lethal voltage coursing
through the fence.
Once on the other side of the fence, I prepared for an unpleasant welcome from the Mammalian
Guard. Not surprisingly, no activity was visible. The Mammalian Guard forces are well known
for their guerilla tactics. My senses primed, I knew I would have to be on my highest alert
for a sneak attack, especially by the deadly SOVAC-III.
Starting up the trail, I followed the arrow on the PFM-III. It was working perfectly,
everything was going according to plan, but something was nagging at me. My seasoned
Confluence Special Agent instincts told me something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite put my
decoder-ring-finger on it. "Back-Out Now!" screamed a little voice in the back of my mind, but
I ignored it. There was no way this little backwater confluence with a simple Mammalian Guard
was going to get the better of Dr. Jones, CSA.
Soon the PFM-III+ indicated success. I had arrived at the confluence without incident. A
less-experienced agent might have relaxed, unaware of the danger that remained hidden in the
gorgeous scenery around me. I knew better. There was only one way out of the confluence and
back to safety, and Mammalian Guard forces are not to be trifled with. More than one CSA has
been lost after letting complacency disarm him in the middle of a mission.
Quickly recording the successful hunt with a Q-950 Digital Imaging device, I turned to
backtrack out of the danger zone. That’s when I saw them. Zounds! A full contingent of
Mammalian Guard was blocking the path. Two Curious Pigs and a Shy Horse! Drat the bad luck!
As adrenaline filled my veins like ice-water, I crouched into the patented CSA combat position,
hoping to intimidate them. Surely they knew I was a trained CSA, licensed to hunt! My curious
pose had no effect, however. In fact, one of the Curious Pigs grunted his amusement at my
antics! His discipline impressed me, for I knew that deep-inside he was terrified.
Cautiously, but with determination designed to intimidate, I advanced on the Mammalian Forces,
driving them back into their defensive positions. Suddenly the shy horse advanced in a
flanking maneuver designed to distract me. With lightning fast reflexes, I temporarily blinded
him with the powerful strobe in my Q-950. Seeing their powerful comrade so deftly defeated,
the Curious Pigs beat a hasty retreat to the safety of their trough, giving me the break I was
looking for. Moving quickly but defiantly down the trail, I made my way back to the perimeter
fence. I was almost safe with less than 10 yards to go, when my CSA instincts raised the hairs
on the back of my neck. I whirled around and sure enough, there was a SOVAC-III, coming in
fast for the kill. I raised my weapon and fired again and again, the powerful Q-950 whirring
and clicking as fast I could trigger the shutter. The lightly armored SOVAC was no match for
the powerful strobe, and he was quickly disoriented. I turned and sprinted the last 10 yards,
clearing the fence with a mighty hurdle, leaving the plastic inseam insulators forgotten in the
As I relaxed post-hunt on the bank of lovely Myrtle Creek and enjoyed my reward martini, the
Mammalian Guard forces gazed at me balefully from within the perimeter fence. I could see in
their eyes that they were looking forward to our next encounter and that they would be ready.
Peter B. Jones, CSA